Sports Parents: Are You Part of the Solution or the Problem?

Regardless of the sport, the gender, the age group or corner of the country on any given Saturday millions of sports parents will be dissatisfied with their son or daughter's coach(es) and/or team.

With the expectations for performance so visibly sky high for all youth sports in 2013 is it any wonder that parent/coach conflict is the norm rather than the exception?

As a coach and sports parent myself I ask you this question: Are you part of the problem or the solution?

Now I fully understand that there are numerous situations where, as a parent, you may be fully justified in being upset, bewildered or disappointed in how your athlete's coach runs their team or handles your athlete's playing time, etc. And you certainly have the right to expect an acceptable level of competency and decorum from your coaches during practices and games.

On the flip side you might be the kind of parent expecting nirvana, perfection, an idyllic season where your athlete, team and coach do no wrong in your eyes. Be truthful...how often has that happened before at any level? Being realistic of your athlete and their team's potential is critical for any sports parent.

So let's look at what being part of the problem or the solution looks like. Which category do you fall into (or your spouse)?

Here's what being a part of the problem looks like:

1. You keep track of game statistics and each players participation time to justify that the coach isn't treating your athlete fairly. Furthermore you will go out of your way to throw these stats at the coach to intimidate or manipulate his or her game day decision making.

2. You stand behind the backstop or in the stands verbally bad mouthing your athlete's coach or, worse, other players on her/his team; whether about his/her game strategy or player usage. This type of behavior is the worst kind of poison because it serves to undermine team unity, respect and support for team and coach; particularly if these verbal snipes are within eye shot of players, other team parents and coaches.

3. You share your displeasure with your athlete's coach with your athlete in the car from a game or at home. This serves to undermine the coach's efforts and plants the seed in your athlete's mind that his/her coach is incompetent or purposely treating her/him unfairly. She/he may then share your views with their teammates and team unity is then shot...leading to poor effort and game day performances.

Parents Behaving Badly at a Little League Game

4. You say nothing but are constantly pacing during the game or hovering by the dugout or bench in an attempt to hear what the coach or coaches are saying to the team. You are the proverbial fly on the wall, the pest the coaches can't wait to avoid at all costs (I have even seen players cut because of parent behavior like this).

5. You put your athlete on a pedestal, myopic to his or her true athletic ability. You can't understand why she/he isn't playing over Tommie or Tammie because she/he is clearly better than them (when the truth and stats clearly don't support your position). You maintain "small picture" thinking, without regard for team or individual player development.

6. You publicly confront your athlete's coach(es) immediately after a game in a quasi emotional rage making a fool of yourself in front of fellow parents, players and other teams...causing extreme embarrassment for your athlete and team, and risking permanent alienation with his/her coach(es).

Here's what being part of the solution looks like:

1. You express your frustration or disappointment in your athlete's coach(es) in a constructive, non-emotional way.

2. You approach your athlete's coach(es) at an appropriate time when neither of your emotions are high; at practice or in a private meeting set up by phone or email. You might find your athlete's coaches far more approachable and far less defensive if you proceed in this manner with any questions or problems you have. If you can cultivate a relationship of mutual respect with your athlete's coaches you'll likely be heard a whole lot more. Remember the old saying..."sugar catches a lot more flies than vinegar."

3. You communicate positively, but realistically to your athlete regarding her/his coach(es). You might say something like this, "Even though we may not agree with some of your coaches strategies (or you playing time/position) we need to respect his decisions. You can't control what your coach does (other than the player seeking out the coach to discuss concerns) so don't let it affect your attitude or game performance."

4. Maintain "big picture" thinking. You recognize that your athlete's coach(es) may just have a longer range plan for player or team development that you are not privy to. At the bare minimum maintain the perspective that it's youth sports: that where ever  your athlete and their team are today is not where they will be in a year or two. Comparing their performance to that of professional athletes and teams is silly and psychologically destructive to all involved...most notably your own athlete.

5. Because you do maintain "big picture" thinking you keep your emotions in check before, during and after your athlete's games. You give your athlete and her/his coaches "room" during games keeping your physical and verbal distance.

6. You recognize that coaching is not an easy job. So much more goes into what a coach has to do on the field or court than what any parent sees during a game. Coaches are constantly evaluating their athlete's during practice for effort, attitude and skill mastery (far more closely than you are able to observe). A good youth coach is always doing his/her best to put the team in a position to play their best while being mindful of each player's game and emotional development. Having to deal with irate parents in the stands should not be part of the job description!


The bottom line is your athlete and his/her team is comprised of kids who are, by nature, works in progress. Their coach or coaches may be volunteers or minimally paid individuals who, like their professional counterparts, are prone to making mistakes in strategy and judgment from time to time.

Now, that being said, there are bad coaches out there...absolutely. I am certainly not going to defend them. But even bad coaches deserve your respect for their effort; even if you don't understand or like the outcome. If they are verbally or physically abusive (like the Rutgers coach who was just fired) you have every right to confront your athlete's coach(es).

In any difficult situation in sports or in life you can choose to be part of the problem or part of the solution. The key is in recognizing which behavior leads to which result. You can be in a perpetual state of aggravation and frustration over your athlete's coach(es), spreading your venom where ever you go on game day...or you can be the adult and find a way to affect changes that might result in a positive solution to your problem (which might even include accepting the situation or even changing teams). But beware of "team hopping" because of your dissatisfaction with your athlete's coach(es); the grass isn't always greener on a new team and your athlete's being ripped away from his/her comfort zone may adversely effect performance.

[If your coaching issue is involving a high school coach I understand that transferring schools is likely not an option so, again, if you have no control over it why fume? If need be express your concerns to the school Athletic Director or Principal. High school coaches can be stubborn, especially if they also teach at the school. At least travel or competitive coaches know that if you aren't pleased with their performance you always have the option of leaving.]

Soon enough your little athlete will be out the door to college (whether playing ball there or not), so enjoy watching him/her play while you can. These are precious moments that will never come again. Do your best not to spoil them with misplaced anger and ego. Remember...be the solution not the problem!

What do you think? Share your thoughts or coaching/sports parents stories with me below.

Thanks for reading!

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Every athlete needs a high level of sports confidence to be successful on game day. Does your athlete have it? Take her sports confidence to the next level with the Sports Confidence Blueprint program...a proven step by step formula to skyrocket game performance and game confidence!

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The Success Secret All Great Athletes Use

Often parents and coaches ask me if there is one single thing their athlete(s) can do to help insure their success on game day. 

In a perfect world I could give your athlete the magic bullet that would guarantee spectacular success and an end to all game day anxiety and frustration.  

The truth is I have no silver bullet but I may be able to offer you a bronze one!

You see all great athletes, sometimes without even knowing they're doing it, employ a secret that invariably leads to their consistent success on the diamond.

I call it the Power of Expectation.

Champion athletes that manage to perform at peak levels, closest to their fullest potential, carry with them an expectancy for success. To them success is not a surprise, but rather inevitable.

Conversely, athletes who experience a higher level of failure also carry with them an expectation on game day; particularly in the most pivotal time of the game. However their expectancy is one of doubt, uncertainty and perhaps even failure. 

The crazy and sad fact is that the physical profile of the athlete than expects success and the one that expects failure (or less than success) is often virtually identical. Both players will achieve success on the field or court; one of them is just able to do so far more frequently. Why? 

Here are five action steps your athlete and team can do to activate the Power of Expectancy:  

1. Trust Yourself - An expectancy for success starts with trusting in your abilities and your preparation. Consistently successful athletes rarely experience mental doubt or physical uncertainty when performing a task on the field. Doubt and trepidation on the diamond always lead to failure. Quoting Wayne Gretzky: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

2. Have a Plan - This means preparing properly for game day success. Remember...PERFECT PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT. Successful athletes spend significant time on both their physical and mental game outside of team practices. If your athlete feels physically and mentally prepared come game day their success should be the byproduct of her/his proper preparation.

3. Allow Mistakes to Motivate Not Devastate - For any athlete attitude is always a CHOICE. In all sports mistakes are part of the game. If your athlete allows these mistakes to crush his/her confidence the expectancy of doubt and failure will creep in. However if mistakes are perceived as opportunities to learn and grow they can actually be motivating instead of devastating. All great athletes are defined by how they respond to the inevitable mistakes the game throws at them.

4. Remember Past Successes - Often younger athletes under the stress and pressure of the moment forget successes they have achieved before in similar circumstances. Successful athletes know they will succeed because they have done it before. 

5. See Your Success in Advance - In addition to remembering past successes "seeing" future success is also essential in activating the Power of Expectancy. Using visualization or mental imagery to mentally rehearse future success is both a fun and highly effective process that all great athletes utilize.

To fully ignite your athlete's Power of Expectancy there needs to be an underlying foundation of rock solid self- confidence. If he/she works hard at cultivating these five action steps above a far greater self- confidence level will emerge...causing the genesis of the expectancy for game day success.

The bottom line: success in sports in never an accident...but rather the result of great preparation, great effort and get attitude. Expecting success on game/match day comes from activating the mind to believe and not doubt when the game/match is on the line. Good players perform well when little is at stake while great players perform to their fullest potential when it matters most.

As always the secret to athletic success lies between the ears! Expecting success over failure is a great way to start.

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Predict Your Athlete's Level of Success in 2013!

Even though I've been coaching youth sports for a long while I am not clairvoyant and don't claim to have a crystal ball. However, when it comes to predicting the absolute level of game day success any athlete will have I'm pretty confident I could do so blindfolded!

Yes...if I have just a handful of facts and a brief conversation with your athlete, without ever watching him or her play, I could tell you how good a player they are and will become with pinpoint accuracy.

How can I do that? Let me explain my magic.

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As in life sports success is predictable based on a number of key factors, the most important of which is the Law of Cause and Effect; that every action empirically causes a specific and measurable reaction. Author Tony Robbins describes the process like this:

". . . the most powerful way to shape our lives is to get ourselves to take action.  The difference in the results that people produce comes down to what they’ve done differently from others in the same situations.  Different actions produce different results.  Why?  Because any action is a set cause in motion, and its effect builds on past effects to move us in a definite direction.  Every direction leads to an ultimate destination: our destiny."

Yes, I too had to read that passage a couple of times to really understand what Robbins was trying to say. After I figured it out it seems perfectly applicable to any athlete's sports "destiny."

One's destiny, in essence, is always shaped by choice; a choice of effort, a choice of attitude, a choice of preparation; a choice of purpose. And, thus, these different choices become the primal cause that shapes the ultimate levels of success and performance one athlete achieves versus another athlete.

Show me an elite athlete all the college and pro coaches/scouts are drooling over and more often than not that athlete became elite as a result of the decisions, the actions, and the choices she/he has made for years.

As I often say, success simply is not an accident. An athlete succeeds by design. And a well designed and well executed plan will, as Robbins says, set in motion causes which will produce predictable effects, or results.

Here is an even more startling fact about athletic performance; right decisions, actions and choices made over time will absolutely accelerate any athlete's success because these actions become cumulative in nature. They truly build upon one another and, in fact, become habits that are the true predictors of consistent game day success.

And, perhaps, the biggest "cause and effect" benefit to your athlete approaching his/her success by design is that their self-confidence will skyrocket over time as they see their decisions, actions and choices pay off on the field.

Here are five surefire "predictors" of your athlete's level of sports success:

1. Does she/he have clearly defined goals? In other words, why do they play the game? If they can develop and be motivated by the "why" they play, keeping the end goal(s) in mind, he/she will have the right foundation and focus to accelerate their success.
2. How bad does he/she want success? This is the most powerful "cause" there is in predicting any athlete's success. It defines the intensity of purpose and effort an athlete is willing to expend to achieve their goals. In other words, what are they willing to do to succeed? Is she/he driven to be good or be great?
3. How well does she/he prepare? Greatness is built by the sum total of small efforts repeated daily. Is your athlete willing to work on their strength, their quickness, their game or position skills...their mental game for just 30 minutes each day to become the best player they can be? This is the "cumulative cause and effect" I talked about earlier. Is he/she doing ALL they can to get better, to master a difficult game....do they take massive action?
4. Does he/she enjoy the game? Ultimately for your athlete to reach her/his fullest sports potential they must enjoy the game enough to put in the consistent time and effort to achieve greatness. Remember what Tony Robbins said: "The difference in the results that people produce comes down to what they’ve done differently from others in the same situations."  For your athlete to stand out from the crowd they need to have passion and joy for the game...a  pep in their step that others notice. 
5. Does she/he expect success? Here is the mental ignition that can absolutely propel or limit your athlete's game day success level. Having the expectancy for success allows an athlete to bounce back from mistakes or bad games because he/she knows that they have done all the right things with their decisions, actions and choices and, thus, deserve success. 

In the final analysis you don't need to be a fortune teller to predict your athlete's game day success level. It is the sum total of his/her actions that will define their greatness or lack thereof. It's simply the Law of Cause and Effect in action.

Skyrocket Your Athlete's Sports Confidence 
and Performance Levels in 2013

Top 12 Habits & Traits of Highly Recruited Athletes

Across America on any given weekend, in any given sport, tens of thousands of teen athletes are performing at showcase tournaments, camps or other special events in front of dozens of college and/or professional scouts and coaches designed to give them the opportunity to “be seen.” Every player (and their parents) hopes for a stellar game or games to standout in some way, shape or form from all the rest of the players. And while playing well is the ultimate goal during a showcase type event how to prepare for that day is the topic of this article.

If your athlete aspires to play ball in college (or professionally) and receive a partial or full athletic scholarship it is never too early to start having her/him focus on developing the kinds of habits and traits that top athletic recruits possess that both catch the eye of the scouts as well as allow them to play at a consistent peak level on game/match day.

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Here are the Top 12 Habits and Traits of Highly Recruited Athletes:

1. They Have a Great Work Ethic - These peak performers have a crazy work ethic, and are self-driven to get better each day. No one ever out-prepares them. They are constantly pushing themselves in training and practice to be their best. They are the ones flying all over the field/court, and when they make a mistake in practice they immediately ask for another rep. Every coach would love to have an entire roster of these kids!

2. They Love the Game - Their work ethic is propelled due to their love of the game. Playing the game brings these elite athletes joy; they love the way they feel on the field/court and even smile after a mistake. It's all good to them whenever they cross the white line and their love for the game is infectious!

The 12 Traits of a Champion Athlete & Team

  

Torrey Pines Falcons, 2012 C.I.F. Champions

Whenever I coach or watch nearly any sporting event I am reminded of just how slim the difference between winning and losing really is in athletics.

In most every game played between two fairly evenly matched teams or players success or failure will come down to just a hand full of plays, right? The team or athlete that makes the plays, executes the best wins don't they? If you follow any larger tournament bracket you will find that the deeper the bracket goes the closer and lower scoring the games all get. Why is that?

Teams and athletes that win consistently do certain things that teams and athletes who don't win consistently do not. This is true in every sport for it is always the little things that capture or cost victory.

Let's look closer at what defines a champion with specific traits that can be learned then duplicated by your athlete and their team.

Here are the 12 traits of a championship level athlete or team:

1. Attitude - Championship caliber teams have a swagger about them, an expectancy that they will play well. These type teams literally exude an energy of success. They have a "can do" attitude from the moment they get up in the morning!

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2. Confidence - Along with the champion's swagger comes extreme confidence; almost cocky but never arrogant. Regardless of the score these teams never stop competing as they are supremely confident they will prevail when the game is over. They trust themselves to make plays, and never hesitate for fear of making a mistake.

Sports Parents: Beware the "60 Minute Rule"

I give weekly mental skills team training to a travel softball organization with eight teams from
12u to 18u and each week I'm always curious to see the response I will get from each team on the various topics I cover. This week my overall topic was on Having a Plan. In other words preparing for success. I talked about having a "pre-game" plan, an "in-game" plan and a "post-game" plan.

Far and away the subject I received the most reaction from the over 100 girls I train is what I term "The 60 Minute Rule."  Now, in advance, I warn you to dismiss or ignore this rule at your and your athlete's own risk. Breaking this rule can drive a wedge between you and your athlete as well as negatively affect their game performance.

So, without further delay...let me disclose to you The 60 Minute Rule.

The 60 Minute Rule requires that as parents you refrain from speaking to you athlete about his/her game or games for at least 60 minutes after the game(s). As a softball parent myself I know how much you can't wait to dissect, evaluate, analyze, critique or judge your athlete's performance and that of her/his team. Some of you reading this are nothing but positive with your athlete and that is great. However more of you are likely coaches, ex-coaches, ex-athletes who may mean well...but still come off as negative to your athlete. In either case I suggest you follow The 60 Minute Rule.

Six Tips to Insure Sports Success

As a sports parent I know the challenges I face in wanting on the field success for my daughter. As adults we try to see the big picture and do all we can to help our kids avoid mistakes by giving them any edge we can to insure their success on the field or court.

We coach them from behind the backstop, sidelines or stands because we figure one little verbal tip from us will surely make the difference between success and failure.

If our daughter or son is a pitcher we bark mechanics reminders to them between pitches (maybe every pitch) hoping they'll be the strike and location machine they are in practice.

A friend of mine said to me this week that it's truly amazing how involved parents are today with their kids' sports, given that our parents hardly ever showed up to watch us play (to my mom...you are the glorious exception!). Heck, I rode my bike to little league practice and games. As a freshman high school I rode my bike to 6am basketball practice every day in the dark!

Coach vs. Parent: 10 Ways to Make it Work

Whether you are a parent or a coach reading this the volatile and sometimes hostel relationship between parent and coach has a dramatic impact on both players and team, usually to the detriment of both.

Having coached over 1,000 fastpitch softball game I have pretty much seen and heard it all, as a coach, parent and fan. As we all know...it gets ugly sometimes! The real question is why does it get ugly and how can parents and coaches get along better?

In competitive or travel sports parents always have a choice as to which team they place their daughter or son on; in high school or rec you're kind of stuck with whomever is coaching. In either scenario there are definite ways to make the relationship work...here they are:

1. Better Communication - Whether parent or coach the best way to resolve any issue or concern is with one-on-one communication. Take the initiative to approach the other party calmly with suggestions. Don't assume the coach or parent knows what you are thinking and that your point is "obvious" to him/her. Go to the source and work it out. As a coach I always appreciate a parent who takes the time to seek me out to address an issue. I want what is best for my team and each player, and if any parent can help towards that end I'm open to it.

2. Lower Expectations - In my experience many sports parents have astronomical expectations for both their athlete's and team's performance. As a coach I can tell you that most teams are a work in progress; particularly if they are a new team or a team jumping to the next age group. I recognize frustration occurs when players or teams don't perform well, but if your athlete is under 16, believe me, he or she has yet to master a very difficult game. Give it time.

3. More Patience - Which leads me to more patience! We expect a lot from our kids today and sometimes they have a difficult time handling everything we throw at them. Allow them some time to get better. No coach is a miracle worker. A good coach sees the big picture for his/her athletes and the team. Do wins and losses really matter at 10, 12 or 14? Look for the baby steps of progress. 

6 Keys to Great Game Day Decision Making

During last summer's Olympic games I heard commentator Brandi Chastain on television, during the U.S vs. Japan gold medal soccer match, talk about the importance of decision making and it struck me as just how critical a function that is for any athlete in any sport.

Chastain's reference to decision making pertained to possible fatigue among the United States players in playing their third match of the week. In a state of mental and physical fatigue decision making during a game can become less precise and, thus, lead to mistakes that can have monumental consequences on the outcome of a game.

The potential for poor decision making is even more likely with younger athletes who don't possess the experience or mental toughness to fight through fatigue (including adverse weather or playing conditions).

Game day decision making can also suffer under pressure of competition. Sport, by definition, requires performance. As such a younger athlete can succumb to anxiety before and during a game. This anxiety can look like fear of failure, which can lead to doubt and delay in making decisions.

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Or anxiety can look like the game speeding up inside an athlete's head, causing him or her to make decisions hastily. In either case "performance anxiety" can cause poor decision making which will lead to inconsistent performances, at best, and more likely disastrous performances.

Because most every sport requires precise execution of physical game mechanics and actions decision making on ball possession/transfer or hand/foot movements are critical. As it is said...timing is everything. 

So how can your athlete consistently make good decisions, even in the most stressful of game situations?

Game Day Thinking: Green Zone or Red Zone?

As one of my books is aptly titled, Think Right, Play Great!, your athlete's level of Game Day success can be quantified...even predicted...based their thoughts when he or she steps on the field or court.
I have broken down the quality of Game Day thoughts into three distinct "zones:" Green, Yellow or Red.
 
Green Zone Thinking
1. Consistently positive thinking.
2. Directed thinking (purpose and goal driven).
3. Highly focused and confident.
4. Decisive, energized.
5. "Can Do" attitude.
6. More easily bounces back from Game Day adversity.
7. High expectancy for success.
8. Consistent and sustainable high performance.